In the Palm of His Hand

"Wish it could be easy.  Why is life so messy?  Why is pain a part of us?
There are days I feel like, nothing ever goes right, sometimes it just hurts so much.
But You're here, You're real.  I know I can trust You.

Even when it hurts, even when it's hard, even when it all just falls apart...
I will run to You, 'cause I know that You are lover of my soul, healer of my scars.
You steady my heart.

I'm not gonna worry, I know that You've got me right inside the palm of Your hand.  Each and every moment, what's good and what gets broken, happens just the way You plan.
You are here.  You're real.  I know I can trust You.  You steady my heart."

Special friends, who know the pain we've felt & know the sorrow even deeper than us, shared this song with us, "Steady My Heart" by Kari Jobe.  (Thanks Larry & Pat, we love you.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0ip40j82ws&sns=em

It helps, it helps a lot to be reminded that God has a plan for everything in our lives, even when we do not or cannot possibly understand what's happening.

 
Just when we thought everything was going to get easy for Caleb, things got really tough.  In fact, rougher than he's experienced in the past year of treatment.  I have never been as overwhelmed, as this past week.  I constantly remind  myself that we're not supposed to be fearful, and that we have to have faith, but when doctors say, there's nothing else, but patiently wait, it's very, very difficult. 

Caleb's bone marrow had to "kick-in to high gear" and do its job all on its own.  There's not a drug or transfusion he could get for that.  I've never been more scared when he lost ALL of those cells.  It has never happened in his treatment before. 

Luckily, brilliant medical workers were able to help keep Caleb hydrated, when he wouldn't eat a bite for days, and they helped keep conditions under control that were changing by the minute.

Things got really tense, when Caleb went into tachycardia and his heart had a hard time keeping up with all of this latest drama putting a strain on his fragile body.  He could tell by the amount of medical experts working on him - and by the urgency of it all - that this was the most serious thing he had faced to date.  

I was casually lying next to him, holding his little body and silently begging God to calm the storm.  Caleb quietly said, "Mommy?"  I replied, "Yes, Caleb?"... afraid of what he was going to ask.  His tiny voice, "The only way I can die, is if I don't take my chemo pills, right?"  I knew at that very moment that God literally needed to steady Caleb's fast-beating heart.   I begged Him to steady my heart, so that I could help reassure this precious child, when I didn't even know the answers of what was to come.  

I honestly feel traumatized after this past week.  I feel like I will never quite be the same.  I have never felt so helpless or unsure before.  We've lost the innocence of thinking there's always a "fix", because we've lost cancer friends along the way in similar situations.  

I do know that God has placed some amazing people in our lives, who have helped us get through this traumatic storm.  From my incredible bosses, who have given me stress-free time away from work with blessings, to family and precious friends in Houston - to the metroplex, Florida, & D.C... plus all the way from Canada to Scotland - to colleagues, and even acquaintances... you know who you are.  We love you, we adore you, we really couldn't live without you.  Thank you for caring about this child and for taking care of us, when we didn't have the strength to do it for ourselves.  

Thank you, God, for transitioning Caleb from the hospital to the Cancer Center today & for allowing him to be at home, where he belongs, with us tonight.  Thank you for doctors & nurses, who have learned how to fight this disease. 

Thank you to our church family, who is always there.  Thank you to the loving families & faculty at Caleb's school, who were there first to pray over his bedside.  

We ARE in the palm of His hand, and we couldn't be more thankful for that, than we are right now.